The Astros=Bad Sex

So far it's been an unmemorable Memorial Day weekend. What better way to chase away the blues than a baseball game. But it's the Astros..oh well. Jumped on the #82 headed to Minute Maid Park Monday morning. A gentleman in his 50s or 60s got on carrying what looked like to me a vintage phonebook. I thought what is this freak doing reading a phonebook that was like 40 years old? Then I spied diagrams...bomb making diagrams! You've got to be kidding?! In Houston effin' Texas! Our bus barrelled up Louisiana Street. I felt like I was a bus riding extra in the movie SPEED! This was The Best Bus Ride Ever! Suddenly the Dennis Hopper-wanna-be must have realized we passed the federal building, so he pushed the stop requested strip and got off dazed and confused about 7 blocks north of his target. Read about you in My Yahoo! News manana.
Minute Maid park is a beauty, but why is the top on? That sucks, but so do the Astros. Thank G-d for Angela the Mistress of Beer. She made my day by carding me when I got an adult beverage. Go see her across from sections 124-125 at The Union Station. The friendly employees make up for the disaster on the field.

Houston played like shit. I am the biggest fan of the guy that hopped out of the right field boxes during  the 7th inning, ran straight across the outfield. cleared the center field fence, then was dragged out of the ballpark by security. Marry me?!?! Another disgruntled fan attempted this feat in the 8th inning but was tackled in center field by the waiting po po. Fans aren't getting their $$$s worth from the players, so we might as well be entertained by the fans. Jon and Kate minus eight sat in front of me and were interesting for a little while. She nagged her cuckolded mate as he surfed porn on his phone. What a happy American couple. I paid 40$$$ for this? Astros need to teach some fundamentals at practice if they expect to win and get any people to pay to see them play. Some drunk ladies in the restroom said "you know what the Astros have in common with bad sex? ...Everything! hahahahaha". So, I thought about it and came up with this-it starts out fine, then starts to go down hill from there; you hang in there hoping things will improve until you just have to scream STOP THE MADNESS!!!  Happy Memorial Day!

For The Homies By The Homies

What better thing to do at the end of a grueling work week than to treat myself to some excruciating pain in the form of a new tattoo. I saw where Reliant Center was hosting a humongous Tattoo Expo this weekend, so I figured that would give me a chance to ride the rail AND meet interesting people. My friend, Jamie, of Wes & Jamie, has been telling me for months what an adventure riding the rail is. Jamie has reminisced many evenings at Water2Wine about the ambiance of of her rail commutes to and fro the med center during her work week. I couldn't wait to experience the smell of rotting garbage(and people), and the pimps attempting to cut their hoes...or is it hos? I'll ask Monday at school.

The rail ride was uneventful to Reliant, so I could only hope for better luck once the sun went down. Reliant Center was filling up with Houston's finest tattooed citizens. Artists were there fron TX, Louisiana, NV and Cali. The air was electrified with the buzz of the tattoo guns. I began my stroll around the expo, stopping to chat with varied artists about their creations. I then spied lots of hemp necklaces, Bob Marley t-shirts and glass pipes and knew that was where I needed to be. The purveyor of these delicacies was Chambah the Rastafarian. He sells his goods on South Congress in Austin. He said Austin had more hippies than Houston, so he made more $$$ there. Since I speak only English, and a smattering of Spanish and Hebrew, his Rastafarian lingo was lost on me. I liked King Chambah, and told him I would see him in Austin one day. On to the tattoo contest. It was just like Miss America. Contestants lined up and waited for their names to be called. They then sashayed up and down the runway, stopping to graciously pose for pictures. I got great shots of Brad from Houz Of Ink on FM 1960 and Crack Girl from Shreveport, LA. This really made me hungry for some new ink, but I only had $60 bucks...what's a girl to do? As I eventually made my way back to the starting point of the expo, I talked to David of Penitentiary Ink out of Long Beach, CA. Cholo Dave immediately asked me for some shrooms and/or pot, so I figured I could trust these guys. David told me the Big Lou would be honored to give me a new tat for $60. Oh boy! What a great night! I told Lou to remember he wasn't still in the big house, and please be gentle with this little, white school marm. After a relatively painless 15 minutes, I was sportin' a brand new tattoo. Life doesn't get better than this. I'm now an official homie since Penitentiary Ink's motto is For The Homies By The Homies. The band was rockin' some Stone Temple Pilots when I bid a sweet adieu to the Tattoo Expo. Now for the rail ride uptown. No crazies at the rail platform. At the first stop, a couple of unsavory gentlemen got on, then half a dozen smellies boarded at the next stop. I had my camera poised for shooting, then, all of a sudden at the med center stop, the stinkin' Metro po po jumped on screaming Get out your tickets! Get out your Q cards! It was like a Chinese fire drill but with homeless ants. Po po always spoils the fun. Sorry Jamie! I'll try again in the future. It was only 10pm when I got off the rail, so I went to Khon's for a few drinks. The Cory Wilson Jazz Group was playing. I was impressed, so if you ever get a chance to hear these young guys then do so. You won't be disappointed. No better end to a Friday night than sharing drinks and stories with my buds, Shannon and Cory and Khon. Like the great Chambah told me about age, I'm not getting older, I'm just getting more exposure.

High Priestess Christine and the Enchanting Times

Friday marked the end to probably my hardest week of 2010. Time to welcome the queen of shabbat, and what better way to do that than drinking at my friend Jill's house. I love lapsed Catholics. Jill made sure I had an adult beverage at all times, while her husband, Brett, painted upstairs, consequently tripping on fumes for most of the evening. I told Jill I needed candles, bread and wine for the start of shabbat. She did pretty good for a goy. We had a Lady of Guadalupe candle, unkosher white wine and some kind of berry-nut bread. Since G-d has a sense of humor, I thought this would do in a pinch. I look forward to more shabbats at the Williams.

Saturday was dull and rainy, so I decided Sunday would be my bus riding day. I hopped on the #81 line around noon and transferred to #27 heading north to the Heights. No bus action, but I found plenty of interesting people once I got to Psychic Sunday at Temple's Gate. Once I walked in, I discovered that Temple's Gate was now Enchanting Times. They had only been open a couple of days, so I really lucked out. My favorite tarot card reader, Joelle, was there. She offers enlightened spiritual solutions to people. Joelle has read my cards several times, and she has always been right on the money with her readings. She told me my health and life in general was good. Exactly what I thought, especially after some crazy bitch fortune teller at the Renaissance Festival told me I would die of a heart attack soon. I want a refund! I then talked to Reverend Christine. She has been a studying and practicing witch for 22 years, and teaches Eclectic Wicca classes to the public. Teresa, the store's owner, told me that she took a class from the good reverend, and that's how she ended up buying Enchanting Times. Her daughter, Holly, works with her at the store. They were all friendly and extremely informative. I then conversed with Feather the Good Witch. She gave me a real education on Paganism and Wicca. I had no idea they were so involved. I wouldn't mind taking a class from Feather to learn more about her practices. Her husband, Dancing Rabbit, is an accomplished author. They suggested some authors and books that I should read to learn more about the worship of Mother Earth. I feel empowered to start the work week tomorrow knowing that I'm not going to drop dead any time soon.

GONZO247

Looking for something different to do Saturday, so I got on Artshound.com to see what I could find. I saw that the Aerosol Warfare Gallery had an exhibit called American Women. Hey, that's me, so I decided to give it a shot. I looked up bus routes and figured I'd ride #81 or #82 to Pierce, then board #88 to St. Emanuel. Since is was a semi-nice, breezy day, I thought I would skip riding #88 and walk from Louisiana and Pierce to The Aerosol Warfare Gallery at 2110 Jefferson, Ste 113. What a scary, friggin' walk! If Houston has 4 million residents, I would say that 1 million of them on living on the streets around the Pierce Elevated/St.Joseph's Hospital area. The downtowners I've talked to never threatened me for $$$ like the Pierce Elevated folks. I think it's the first time I've jogged since volleyball practice my senior year in high school.

Finally I arrived at my destination. The gallery is about a block southeast of Kim Son's in the shopping center where Jenni's Noodles used to be. It was well worth the trip once I met the owner, GONZO247. He is the friendly, talented artist/owner of The Aerosol Warfare gallery. This is a street/urban art gallery and resource center. They invite artists to show their artwork in between quarterly featured exhibitions. Aerosol Warfare is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays; open from 11am-7pm on Wed, Thurs, Fri; and open from noon to 8pm on Sat and Sun. GONZO247 has been a part of the urban art scene since the early '9os. He started out having grafiitti art parties in abandoned buildings/warehouses. I wish I'd known since 17 years ago I could have still been into a little breaking and entering in the name of art. I'm too old to out run the po po now, so I'll just hang out with street artists like GONZO247 in a safe environment. He has had Aerosol Warfare Gallery for three years, and Carolyn Casey of CKC StART conducts youth art classes here when there's a need. All teenagers and tweenagers who are interested in urban art should contact CKC StART for more info.

GONZO247 gave me a tour of the gallery. I was so impressed. I will definitely make a return visit to make a purchase. Some artists that were showing were GONZO247, PILOT(my favorite), Dirk Strangely, Tommy Castillo and Jim Mahfood. Google Aerosol Warfare Gallery and check out the upcoming events. Call 832-748-8369 for directions and more info. See y'all May 15th at the Haters Make You Famous dvd release party!

Guns n Run for the Roses

Get under the bar! Tornadoes everywhere in central Arkansas this Kentucky Derby weekend. This native Arkansan knows to stop, drop and roll under the nearest bar when those screamin' demon sirens go off. So, might as well go out happy with one last drink. I was in Little Rock for my friend Christian's graduation from grad school/Kentucky Derby party. I get the warm fuzzies when I go back home to be surrounded by my gun-totin', Jeffersonian friends. These people are the salt of the Earth, but I would never want to piss them off since they can shoot much straighter than myself.

Saturday was the Run for the Roses. Christian and Brad had a kick-ass party. All guests were welcome to drink and/or play with Brad's extensive gun collection. The honorary viking was the first to get into the spirit of Derby Day by wielding an AK-47 for the camera. Brad then showed everyone the true way to hold this mofo of a gun. After several party goers ran around with these bad boys, Brad checked to see if the guns were loaded. They weren't, but we were! Maggie and Christian know how to make a mean mint julep.

Race time! Christian got us all teary-eyed during the singing of My Old Kentucky Home when she reminisced about smoking her first cigarette in '93 at Churchill Downs. What precious memories. Then the horses ran, I lost, time for another mint julep; time for the real party. All of Little Rock's finest turned out in their derby hats. My favorite guest was Bama Buff who wasn't afraid to hoist a big-ass rifle and toss back some mint juleps. Put these Little Rock wild women on our country's borders and we will all be able to sleep well at night. The Kentucky Hot Browns were delicious, and the atmosphere electrifying. Lila told us that Alabama was known as the S and M center of America, and Arkansas was #1 in transgenders/sexuals...I forget which one exactly but #1 in trans-something. Jenn amazed us all with her knowledge of Skirt Man and Spandex Man. They are both LR icons. Jenn even helped Skirt Man try on skirts when she worked at Chico's. Who says that Little Rock isn't a liberal hotbed? I've actually seen Spandex Man with his big boner in several central Arkansas eating establishments. Gross! Too much viagra will kill you Spandex Man. Stop the madness.

With more killer tornadoes approaching central Arkansas, I bid adieu to Christian and the gang and headed to Jan and Charlie's to take cover. I always enjoy my visits home especially when parties are involved. All weekends should include guns and horses!